How To Communicate With Your Senior Parent

If you have an aging parent, you probably have received advice from friends and experts to start talking with your parent about issues such as finances, health and safety concerns. You know you shouldn’t delay any longer, and you definitely should not wait until a crisis occurs. However, it is tough to know how to get started. You respect your parent’s privacy. You have had no experience or training for this. It is downright uncomfortable.

You may be thinking:

How do I find out what my parent really wants and what he/she expects from me?

How do I broach sensitive subjects?

What if they get upset with me?

What if they refuse to talk with me?

It’s important to realize it takes just one event to change your parent’s world and yours. A seemingly simple fall can result in a broken hip or brain injury. An aneurysm can result in a coma.

None of us can predict the future. But, we certainly can start the conversations with our parent now. Here are some tips.

1. Start with an understanding of how your motivation and your parent’s motivation differ. David Solie in his book, How to Say It To Seniors, tells us that the primary driver in the elderly is to “maintain control.” That makes sense when you think about the losses they are experiencing; the loss of strength, health, and friends. As adult children, our primary driver is “safety”! We have to learn to assist, not insist.
2. Plan a special visit of 2 or 3 days with your parent. During this time, just plan to be present, listen and walk beside your parent in their daily routines. This means putting your laptop, blackberry and phone away. The first time I did this, I was amazed. I gained insight into my mother’s world, and the experience also helped me transition from my fast-paced world to hers. A natural result of the visit was a deepened trust and openness between my mother and me.
3. Broach sensitive discussions with thoughtful wording, such as using the phrase, “What If”. “What if your arthritis gets worse and you need help in your home” or “What if one day you need full-time care?” If your parent doesn’t want to talk about it at that time, know that you’ve planted a seed. It also helps to share these conversations with your other siblings (who may live states away from you and your parent). Try to get family members on the same page.

So, start with a sincere desire to understand your parent, their fears, needs and wishes. Put yourself in their shoes, and listen, non-judgmentally. Build a foundation of trust and sharing. That foundation is what will help guide you through the conversations you need to have with your parent now and in the future